Loony Literature
oh well! it might happen, that a little time passes while you´re waiting for your order to be served.
so, instead of having you sit in the front row being bored and drooling for food we can now offer you something to read!
comedy, novels, mystery&suspense, theories - it´s all right here. True Masterpieces of Literature - Shakespeare Himself couldn´t have done it better,
Beaudelaire would´ve been downright jealous and Stephen King is constantly knocking at our door, begging us to be his Ghostwriters.
Scientific Studies couldn´t be more precise than the theories we´ve come up with
and the fact that Finns are the Finest has never been proved more explicitly...
so put on your reading specs and suck it all up like a dry sponge!
The Mathematics Of Chaos...
Hell-o!
since i´m a nice person and just can´t deny y´all the right of knowledge about this one, i figured i´d let you have:
My theory about why The69Eyes are called "The SIXTYNINE Eyes"...
so here it goes:
quote "Ministry": "Congregation, please be seated, and open your prayerguides to the Book of Revelations, Psalm 69, 69, 69, 69,...". unquote.
69, 69, 69, 69,...
kuusikymmentäyhdeksän...
forget Finnish, let´s do some Math:
here´s 5 guys in the band, so:
69 divided by 5 equals 13.8 (anyone in need of a calculator?)
okey dokey-
each mathematical figure needs a unit (e.g. 1 Ounce, 17 Pounds, 23 Inches, 69 Eyes, etc....)
hence 13.8 YEARS. of age.
which could mean that our Eyes-guys each, at an average of 13.8 years of age, either
A) shaved for the first time (i don´t think so)
or B) took to their first Tango-lesson (and whatta picture that would give: Jyrki - Tango-ing! with a rose clamped between His teeth! Yeah!)
or, most probable, C) lost their virginity, read: SEX.
let´s say Jyrki at age 15 (since he keeps stressing that he was a shy kiddo...); Bazie at 14; Archzie at 15; Timo-Timo at 13 (you never know what´s lurking beneath a still water´s surface...); which leaves us with a mild, minor 12 years of age for Jussi (and I would believe THAT one... EARLY bird catches the worm!...)
add up 15+14+15+13+12 equals 69.
but maybe Jussi was 15, which would have made the whole thing a 72 - and the lads decided to cheat and still give the good old 69 a shot - hey, even Bryan Adams went raving about the Summer of 69...
now MY problem is: i´ve read -and come to love Douglas Adams´ (R.I.P.!) "Hitchhiker´s guide to the galaxy" (highly recommended if u like FastForward´s culty Charlotte Roche) - so I know that THE answer to the universal question is... 42.
42 by 5 equals 8.4
EIGHTPOINTFOUR! whatt´an average!
well, I, myself, would´ve let Jyrki give it a shot at sweet 7; Bazie though only at 9 (since all Evil needs some time to become properly evil); looking at Jussi, age 5 seems a likely one for this one being ready,willing&able...; remains a 10 and 11 for Timo-Timo and Archzie -sorry guys!
now, let´s just hope the Finnish Powers-that-be aren´t oh-so-meticulous when it comes to sex with minors...
*smirk*
dear old Sigmund Freud would´ve loved me, just like any other given shrink...
Objections, anybody?
Overruled!
feel free to chuckle...
ja käytä kieltäsi!
madly yours - crazee_kultani
The Mating-Rites Of The Finnish...
Did you like the previous theory? Hey! - maybe some of you could even chuckle...
so i´ll give you another one of my creative outbursts - under 1 condition:
FEEDBACK -in the form of Guestbook-Entries... (nice ones, i hope...)
and plenty, if you please...
since, once you people have ordered some food, you might as well stay and order some more while you read...
and keep laughing...
for which you will hate me sooner or later...
because it´ll start to HURT...
but your bankaccount will love me. since laughing´s good for your muscles...
hence, you save loads´n´lots of money you´d otherwise have to spend on plastic surgery and/or the local gym.
and once you´ve saved enough - go buy one of those home-saunas. trust me, such a thing fits into even the smallest apartment. the worst-case-scenario could be that your lil´ brother has to sleep in the bathtub from now on. and in case you´re lacking siblings just relocate your loved-one´s unloved Jazz/Techno-CD-collection to the local outlet of your hometown´s sanitation service. or tear out those old´n´shabby kitchen-cabinets and start warming up those delicious frozen meals on your sauna´s brickoven - that´ll surely work.
next thing is: GREENPEACE is gonna kill me. because of the birches. imagine everybody starting to strip those birches of their twigs - nowthatdon´tlooksexy...
birchtwigs, in the unlikely event of some of you not knowing it, are used by sauna-going-Finns to spank themselves with. or eachother - depending on their sexual preferences...
SADO-MASO.
BIRCH-SPANKINGS. Yes!
Are you ready for some LÖYLY?!
Hissssss...
Sweaty Nipples For Everyone, I Demand!
ja käytä kieltäsi!
madly yours - crazee_kultani
and especially madly yours, DarkAngel, for keeping me up all night by inspiring me in such a wicked, WICKED way by giving me just 13 letters and a dash - BIRCH-SPANKING!...
What Makes Me Tick...
confession time...
well, yes, it´s true, i have only 3 (three!) braincells.
braincell 1 is occupied with the sh*t that´s bugging me in my everyday-life and speaks German only.
braincell 2 deals with everything English and music. it´s the largest, brightest and definitely the most important and beloved one of my 3 braincells.
and braincell 3 is currently pretty desperate because it´s trying to learn Finnish and is therefore ready to go up in smoke any second...
well - i ordered an additional fourth braincell over the internet last year in May, but it didn´t work properly anyway and then sadly passed away recently due to an overdose of beer. R.I.P.!
luckily (?!?!) it infected my Finnish-braincell with a virus called "69Eyes-itis" and the result of this is, that a few questions have been bugging my remaining 3 already-overloaded braincells since then - and here´s a couple of those Q´s:
?where did Jyrki´s colorful/not-black T-shirts from the pre-*Wasting the Dawn*-era go?
?why does Jyrki rant "Call me call me any any time" on *Wrap Your Troubles In Dreams* but the friggin´ phone number is missing?
?who won the pool-game from the *Wrap...*-booklet? Timo-Timo or Bazie?
?why is Jyrki called Jyrkie on *Bump´n´Grind* and *Motor City Resurrection* and Jyrkill on *Savage Garden* while it´s Jyrki on all other albums that followed?
?why did Jyrki change his family name from Darling to 69?
?is Timo-Timo schizophrenic or why isn´t it just "Timo"?
?why was Jussi´s hair blonde?
?why did Jussi look like being a member of the band Europe on the *Savage Garden*-pics?
?whose handwriting are those couple of lines that were scribbled in the *Wrap...*-booklet?
?who is the sexy shoe-model on the *Wrap...*-cover?
?what´s engraved on Jyrki´s dog-tag? (*Wrap...*)
?why do i get so horny everytime i hear the re-vamped *Velvet Touch*?
?why do i have to stop dead at whatever i´m doing and just can´t help tapping along with the sexy-groovy drums on *Gothic Girl* when i hear that song?
?does Jyrki tango?
?how long did it take Jyrki back in `95 to wash his hair? 30 minutes?
and the last and most important question:
?WHY THE HELL IS BAZIE SUCH A HOT RAT???
*aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrgh*
MADLY yours - crazee_kultani
PS: and of course:
käytä kieltäsi!
Tales From The Crypt... or: kultani goes shopping...
finally, the truth is out there!
now it´s official: I will be Satan´s successor when He retires!
how did i find out? funny story!
i think i´ll just let you know what happens when the lil´crazee_kultani goes shopping for food on a Friday, 13th, whilst wearing one of her favourite Tshirts - the one that reads 666 on the front and sleeves, and BEELZEBUB on the back.
(i actually wanted to get a shirt that reads BEELZEMÄDEL - but the darn store didn´t have any of those left...
(sorry for all of you who don´t get this nice little pun - learn German!))
so i´m browsing through the supermarket, on the hunt for food...
bring it all up to the register, unload, the register goes *beep* *beep* and *beeeep*, load all the stuff back in the cart. nothing unusual?
well - nothing apart from the amount the lady at the register babbles in my direction: "sixhundred-and-sixty-six-point-sixty"...
666,60?!?!?!
kultani goes: "?????????????????" and: "scuse meeeeeee?!"
...i guess the cashier would have jumped a little had she known about the 666-Tshirt underneath my ParadiseLost-Sweater underneath my FearFactory-Hockeyshirt...
but i don´t suppose she would have felt like rewarding this little coincidence about my Shirt and the amount and the date with a free shopping trip anyway - what the heck!...
so i´m packing up all my shopped goods, getting ready to go back home.
it´s not far, only a short two minutes walking-distance.
and - what can i say - Murphy´s Law and Monty Python decide to strike me both at once - cause it´s so funny...
the very moment i walk out the supermarket is the very same moment a little snowstorm decides to hail me - how nice! but defying death, since i have Satan as a guardian-angel right with me on my Tshirt, i walk on...
and to top it all i walk past this kitchen-furniture-shop, who must have decorated their window just for me - because when i walked past it the night before, it hadn´t been there yet: right next to the U.S.of-f***in´-A.´s StarSpangledBanner and Britain´s UnionJack(-ass) dangles: a Finnish Flag. !. !!. !!!. (it seems to be hauting me...)
shaking my head and looking like an Eskimo i walk up to my door, insert the key into the lock - and it stops snowing...
nothing more to add but *lalalaaaa*...
madly yours - crazee_kultani
PS: and just in case you might feel like saying "naaaaawwwwww - that´s all made up!" - here´s the receipt as proof:
Something Wicked My Way Comes... or: kultani goes shopping /part2...
though i´m not really Paul Bocuse my guy constantly wants me to cook for him - i guess he´s a little bit of a masochistic kinda person...
and every now and then he comes up with funny ideas about what kinda stuff he wants to eat...
just like the other day, when he had the glorious idea that he wants something, no matter what, as long as it comes with wildrice.
and since i didn´t have that at home, i had to go and buy some.
so i´m strolling to the supermarket to check the Rice-/Pasta-rack for the desired goody. there´s a whole lot of no-name-rice and then right next to that there´s 1 (one) packet of UncleBen´sWildrice left. how nice! - someone must have left one there for me, or rather: someone must have put it there just for me.
so i grab the Uncle and take it to the register.
and, well, Murphy´s Law takes its chance to strike me whenever there is one:
of course the register won´t scan the thing because the EAN-code is unencryptable, so the cashier tries to type it in, but it takes her 3 times to get it right. meanwhile i´m extremely enjoying the the conversation the man behind me tries to have with me, and my nose extremely enjoys his smell. i love drunk bums. or rather: they seem to love me.
did Guns´n´Roses write 'Patience' while being on a shopping trip?
anyway - i walk back home to do some cooking, so that my guy doesn´t starve to death.
and of course i want the stuff to turn out extra-good&yummie, so i check the rice-packet to see how long Uncle Benny wants me to boil that rice to make it just perfect. and if you´ve ever tried to look for information on the back of a food-packet you´ll know that they have everything printed in German, English, French, Hungarian, Czech, Italian and Greek, not to mention Spanish, for your convenience.
but nope! not on a pack of UncleBens wildrice! No English, French, Hungarian or Czech, let alone Italian, Greek or Spanish...
instead it says:
Ainekset: Pitkäjyväisen riisin ja villiriisin sekoitus...
Valmistus (2 annosta)
1. Kiehauta 3,5 dl vettä.
2. Lisää 1,5 dl riisiä ja halutessasi hieman suola.
3. Anna kiehua hiljaa kannen alla kunnes vesi on kokonaan imeytynyt. (20 min.).
4. Tarjoile.
Parasta ennen, katso pakkausen pohja
Markkinoiti
MasterFoods Oy
PL 165, 00531 Helsinki
kultani goes '??????????????' and 'scuse meeeeee?!' once again.
...the only word i found kinda familiar though was '(se)koitus'...
*kultani kiristelee hampaitaan*
Finnish Wildrice, my Darlings!
Suomi seems to be on a mission to take over the world...
madly yours - crazee_kultani
and don´t forget: käytä kieltäsi!
How To Cut Onions Without Having To Cry...
*i don´t need no heaven or hell but it´s alright -
as long as you´re in my heart...*
Well, i don´t suppose i´m in your heart(s) - but your music is definitely in mine!
and, dear 69ers, if you keep putting out albums like these, it´ll shurely break my heart...
how much emotion can you possibly pack into one album? one song even?
strike a chord, go *awww* and my heart bleeds...
*Kick it down!*
and: Johnny Lee Michaels - YOU deserve a big fat kiss for putting all the LITTLE bits and pieces in place!
and thank you for that "The Chair"-Club-Mix...
Hey - start throwing stones at me, but i love the thing!
but that was no wonder to me, because i already liked U2´s "Lemon"-Perfecto-Mix and the "Lady With The Spinning Head"-Extended-Dance-Mix...
(just in case anybody knows them...)
and even Darude´s "Sandstorm", yes - i must confess!
it´s that thing when i lie in bed late at night, can´t find no sleep again and then turn to listen to some fine music with my discman instead.
just try to take apart a song for once with your boyfriend snoring in your "plugged" ear...
but that is one thing i just love doing - (no, not listening to my guy snoring!) - taking apart a song, trying to hear all the LITTLE things in it.
like, how many vocal layers are there with the chorus? 2? 3? 4? more? is it just the singer or someone else in the background?
try to tap along with ONLY the bassdrum.
or try to find that one soundeffect in there, that gives the song its mood, its unique character...
and who the hell put the MAGIC into songs like:
The Cult´s "She Sells Sanctuary"
New Model Army´s "225"
The Seigmen´s "Döderlein"
The Sisters Of Mercy´s "Marian" and "Driven Like The Snow" ?
i must have taken apart Depeche Mode´s "Mercy In You" and "Higher Love" about a thousand times by now, and i still haven´t heard EVERYTHING, still haven´t discovered ALL the little bits and pieces, still couldn´t figure out WHERE that feeling comes from, that oh-so-gets me...
can anybody out there help me?
am i one hopeless case of a seeker?
is anybody actually still here with me?
does it even make sense to anyone else but me at all?
Jesus, just once i would like to walk into that studio and watch FLOOD AT WORK!!!
well - enough babbling done, many enough minds confused - i have to get back to staring out the window into the dark void - with Eyes in my ears...
*i don´t need no heaven or hell but it´s alright -
as long as you´re under my charm...*
- Yeah, boys! you got ME!...
madly yours - crazee_kultani
PS: and if anyone knows a secret solution to solve that onion-problem - please let me know!
käytä kieltäsi!
more coming soon...
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